Synopsis
If you haven't read Alice in Wonderland, the first chapter is titled, "Down the Rabbit Hole." Which is essentially where I feel myself going -- deeper and deeper -- as I continue these treatments. I just completed my second treatment today. More bright red dye (poison, really) injected into my body. Pretty tripped out stuff. But, enlightening at the same time. A new Bonnie universe that is cancer free. And joyful. It's the poison that will make me better.
The second chapter of Alice is called, "A Pool of Tears," where Alice is sad and cries and cries and, as her tears flood up the hallway, she swims through this stream of tears and meets a lot of interesting little animals, like the Mouse, along the way.
"A pool of tears" -- not to be too melodramatic -- but that's where I'll find myself tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I get all my hair chopped off. I'll be fine in the end, but it's going to be an upstream swim against my own stupid vanity.
Backstory...
Let's pause and celebrate my completion of my 2nd round of chemo today. I'm 1/4 the way through these treatments. Not quite where I can see the end yet, but one step closer. Check out my chemo countdown board. Two checkmarks!
By the way, the temperature outside today was NEGATIVE SIX degrees (with a -15 degree windchill) when we left the house to go to chemo this morning. I tell ya, I'm a trooper, (Joe's not so bad, either). It went fine. Here's a pic of me getting my infusion. I have my work table set up (lap top, check. green tea, check.) and a fantastic view of a very frozen Lake Michigan in the background. I love the 4th floor of Prentice Women's Hospital.
My hair started falling out yesterday. In. Chunks. It sucked. I am not quite sure how to emphasize this point more. My dad, a terrific writer who put all four of his kids through college with the money he earned from crafting words into stories, would be much better able to describe just how much this sucks. More eloquent and certainly not as crass. I am 100% sure he wouldn't use the word "sucks." By the way, for the record, my dad still has a great head of hair.
But, I'm not so creative when it comes to description. I can just tell you the facts. I woke up yesterday and before taking a shower, I brushed my hair. My hairbrush was full of hair. Then, I took a shower. My hand was full of hair. Then my towel. Then my hairbrush again. Then my desk at work. Running my hands through my hair in a meeting yielded lots of long strands falling on my clothes, on the conference table. I spent our entire staff meeting picking hairs from my wool dress.
I'm not going to lie. It was pretty gross.
This morning, more of the same. Joe heard me sniffling in the bathroom before we left and came in and hugged me and told me how much he loved me. We had a "moment." He knows that whatever he says isn't going to make this stuff go away, but it's sure nice to have him around to say it anyway.
So.....the story ends with me going to Brian Blanchard salon tomorrow at noon for a "cut," whatever that means. They won't shave my head, but they'll cut it very short. Joe will be there. Then, I'll walk out in my new wig and go across the street to the Gleacher Center to attend Beloit College Economics Day in Chicago. This is where current Beloit econ majors meet up with alumni in Chicago. It will be a nice test drive of my new hair before going back to work on Monday.
Altantsetseg
By the way, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the, likely beautiful, Mongolian lady who sold her long, luscious hair to help me have a more normal existence during this experience. I only wish she got to keep the bulk of what I'm paying at the end of the channel. I'm sure she didn't. Next time this happens, I'll try and work this whole hair buying around a trip to Ulaanbataar and buy direct.
According to Wikipedia, "Altantsetseg" is the most common female name in Mongolia, so that's what I'm calling this wig, since that is the best chance I have of guessing the woman's name who grew this hair. Altantsetseg means "Golden Flower" - I guess I'll call it Setseg for short, or flower. Thanks, Setseg. I hope you're doing okay over there. I bet you have a boatload of kids that you're trying to feed. I hope your husband's nice.
Maybe I should develop a non profit that connects people who buy human hair wigs to the women who grew it. Wouldn't that be fantastic? I would love to meet Setseg...and help her family over the long run through direct online donations. Hmm...maybe an idea for post-cancer life-changing career. File away in brain under "dream jobs" and also under "women helping women" and "jobs involving travel to colorful countries."
Snow Blizzard & How Much I Miss Beer
Everyone and their brother is full of stories of the "Great Snow Blizzard of 2011" -- and I know it's sort of annoying. So here's ours (ha!). Joe and I were, indeed, snowed in. Electricity went out at around 2am (brownout, not total), but it wasn't enough to power my big bad furnace, so we were cold the entire morning. Just as it all came back on (thank you, ComEd), we were headed out to play in the snow and to get some lunch at Silver Cloud.
Young Survivor Coalition -- Cancer Friends
I'm a "joiner". I always have been. I can't help it. I'm type A and I like meeting new people. So, I joined Gilda's Club last week and I attended my first YSC meeting for young breast cancer survivors. Misery loves company - and (unfortunately) there were a lot of women in that room. I met in person some great women I have connected with online in the past -- and a new woman whose diagnosis and timing is nearly identical to mine. She's one week behind me on her chemotherapy. So, it's helpful to have another woman to go through this with while it's happening. And, she's just a nice person. So are the others. I shouldn't call them cancer friends. I hope they'll become friends of mine "who have once had cancer but now don't." That's the goal.
To use the analogy of Alice in Wonderland, these ladies are sort of like the little animals that Alice meets while she's swimming in the pool of tears (is this getting too cheesy?). They are people (or animals) along the way who keep you moving while you're in the Rabbit Hole. The one woman with the nearly identical diagnosis to mine I sort of think of as the Mouse from Alice in Wonderland, swimming alongside me. [Hi Mouse -- I know you're reading this. See, you're not going through this alone. And, look, I'm writing a useless blog, too! :-)]
In Conclusion
Despite this excrutiatingly long blog post (I wouldn't have read the whole thing if I were you), I don't intend to let cancer to define me. Some people decide to go that course. I won't. It will be something that will have changed my life for the better. But it won't define me.
I am interested in a lot of things: Like the overthrow of Hosni Mubarak in Egypt, the future of Palestine, the inflation rate in China and Brazil, the future of the US retirement system and why americans don't save more money, art history as a whole and the history of art museums as institutions, novels (particularly ones turned into BBC Masterpiece productions), putting a woman who is not Sarah Palin in the White House, playing and listening to piano, hiking and climbing mountains, travelling to places where interesting cultures emerged, the organic food movement, etc.
Prior to this, I had no interest in health care or medicine. So, now I have developed a new interest that happens to be personal. But it won't take any of those other interests away from me. It will make me more passionate about all of them.
Okay, that's enough. I'm obnoxious for posting such a long update. If you can't write your thoughts in a concise way, you're not a good writer. Guilty as charged. But I'm not out to prove anything. Just to get a few things off my mind every other week. Thanks for sitting with me and listening. I really appreciate it. Now, screw your to-do list and go do something fun. Life is short.
Peace and Joy and Love and Health.
~Bonnie
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