Day 107: Into the Great Wide Open

Over the past two weeks I have been thinking a lot about mortality. I know it's morbid, but that is what has been on my mind.  Right before my last chemotherapy treatment I had a quick business daytrip to Detroit.  On the plane ride back, I read a supposedly uplifting (but ultimately depressing) book that referenced a woman named Anna who was my age, had a similar diagnosis to mine, who successfully went through chemotherapy and radiation, had a great attitude, only to have her cancer come back with a vengeance a year later and, ultimately, kill her.  It was not a good day for me.  I can't seem to get Anna out of my head.

But, while I was reading this book, I was also listening to some new music my friend Owen had sent to me that countered these negative words and I had a visualization revelation in O'Hare airport while listening to the band XX. 

So, why is the title of this blog, "Into the Great Wide Open"?  I know it's a Tom Petty song, but the image it conjures is that I have walked up the edge of this great, vast hole in the world. In my world.  And I have peered over the edge of this grand drop off and stared down into it. But in my mind, I just see myself turning away from it and walking away.  I'm not going to be defeated. I have come close to the edge.  I may get closer still, but I can will myself to turn around and go back to my life.  To my life.  I am in the Great, Wide Open.  But it will not swallow me.  I can feel for Anna but I will not become her.

So, enough with that depressing analogy for now.   Here is what else has been happening in my life over the last two weeks.

Made it half-way through chemotherapy!

Last Thursday, I finished my fourth round of chemotherapy, which marks the half way point.  And, I'm finally done with the horrible A+C drugs, which makes me sick just thinking about it.  So, I feel like I have something to celebrate  My last chemotherapy session is in the first week of May. I cannot wait!

My sister Colleen came with me for this session.  We had a nice lunch afterward at the Arts Club of Chicago, at which she is an esteemed member. It was a fun day.  Here's a picture from our lunch. 

Thanks, Colleen, for being a great supporter...and for lunch!  I love you.

Speaking Engagement

The day after chemo, I spoke at a DePaul Law symposium focused on Fertility Preservation.  This was at the request of a great woman I know who is a patient navigator at the Oncofertility Consortium.  She is amazing. Here's a link to their website:  http://oncofertility.northwestern.edu/ 

I told my story to a group of DePaul Law students.  Afterwards, I was shocked by how many people came up to me to express their thanks for me sharing my story and wishing me luck in my treatment.  After all, I'm probably only a few years older than these students and after they heard all the legal arguments for/against fertility preservation programs, they said that hearing an actual patient's story was the highlight of the day.  It  made me feel like it was a good use of my time.

The Trim

I received a wonderful surprise from my future sister-in-law, Melissa, last week.  She sent Joe an email that said, "To be donated to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths Campaign in Miss Bonnie's honor!" with the following photos attached.

By the way, the best part of this picture is that you can see Chet's little head in the mirror. He looks so happy!

Mel, when I got your email, I started to cry. Thank you so much for everything. I can't wait to see you guys soon!

Friends!

Following my busy week, one of my best friends from college, Ann, was in town from Brooklyn and we spent some time together. She was in town from Brooklyn for a conference around International Women's Day and she ended up staying the weekend at our place. We had a great time, visited the Mexican Fine Arts Museum in Chicago, saw an arty french film and ate a lot of good food. Here's a picture of her, Joe, and me at The Publican. 

Ann is so inspirational. She works at Unicef and is working to make the world a better place. While she was in town, she showed me a project that a few NGOs, including Unicef, are working on called "The Girl Effect" whose aim is to stop 12 year old girls from falling into poverty. Check out this great short video they made for YouTube.  It makes me want to change the world, too. That's the effect Ann has on me. That is why I feel lucky to have her as a friend.

My Blog Called Life

This blog is very self-indulgent. It makes me feel like Claire Danes' character Angela Chase from "My So Called Life." Self involved, brooding, introspective, trouble teenager.  But, I feel like I'm allowed to be that person these days.  A little cheesy.  A little hokey.  But it feels good to get all this stuff down in the blogosphere.



Peace and Love and Joy and Health.