Today is Monday. It's 4am and I'm up because I feel more in my breast today than yesterday. Psychosomatic? Maybe. But for whatever reason, I feel like my lymph nodes are worn out. I have to admit, I did have a cocktail on Saturday night. I went to a friend's post-Thanksgiving Day party. I didn't tell anyone there about my cancer. And I drank two beers and a cocktail. It felt great. It was some serious denial. At some point, all of those people at that party will know. I am hoping to wait until the absolute last moment until I have to tell them...you know, when I start wearing a wig and all that. That will be the point when, if I don't say something, they'll just be weird about me sporting some bizarre fashion wig.
I travel to Seattle and San Francisco for work today. I was originally not going be back in Chicago until Wednesday night, but I am going to try and get back on Tuesday night instead. I should have cancelled the trip. I cancelled the one that was scheduled for the Monday following my diagnosis.
But, I went into work for a few hours last week and I felt good. It was following my good day of meetings at Northwestern where I felt upbeat for the first time. So, I kept this trip on the calendar.
It was a mistake.
I am worried about this trip. I will be with a junior employee who I'm not interested in talking about this with. She knows...I had to tell her last week, given our trip. But if I don't feel up for talking with my friends about it, I *really* don't feel like talking with coworkers about it.
I am so sick of talking about it.
I want my test results now. I am certain I will get them during my trip. It could be a high or a low...or neutral. There seems to be a lot of neutral news in those whole cancer thing. Waiting and more waiting.
It's like Tom Petty says, "The waiting is the hardest part."
Fingers crossed for three ideal results this week:
1) BRCA negative (ie, no genetic mutation that require a double mastectomy),
2) MRI results normal and requiring no follow up (ie, no mirror image cancer in left breast and no swollen lymph nodes detected,
3) AMH levels high (ie, the gas is my fertility tank is still high).
Peace.
Hi Bonnie.
ReplyDeleteIt's Paulina's husband, Guy. I just wanted to say your mental toughness and social support from those who love you will beat this! Keep your great attitude and regardless of what news you receive, remember obstacles are meant to be overcome and people beat the odds every day. There is nothing more I can write and I am not qualified to give advice, but I just wanted you to know you are in our prayers and remember you are not alone! Take advantage of your friends and family - everyone is here to help any way possible. God bless.