Day 11 - Depressed in San Francisco

The bad news just doesn’t stop coming.  I feel like I went into my OB GYN two weeks ago with an annoying little cyst and, after seeing another doctor, found out that it was, in fact, cancer.  And then after talking to yet another doctor, I found out that it was not just some easy self contained cancer, but invasive and triple negative at that.  Every time I see a new doctor I seem to just get more and more bad news. It makes me want to stop going.

Today, my MRI results came back and the radiologist wants me to go in for two additional biopsies.  He actually wanted me to go in for three biopsies, but will start with two and take it from there depending on how bad the results are.  One biopsy will be on the other (left) breast…the MRI picked up a suspicious mass on that side.  Both the radiologist and my oncologist friend informed me that they are less worried about the lesion on the left side.  MRIs are oftentimes over sensitive and there was a 50% chance I would be called in for additional tests.

The right side, however, is more concerning given its location.  It is in a typical location from where my original tumor would have spread.  I was told that, if that “suspicious mass” comes out positive for cancer, then I’ll have to get a mastectomy on that entire right breast, so additional biopsies would not even be necessary since the entire right half of my chest would, essentially, be in the garbage bin as medical waste.  This is horrible news.  I was hoping for just a lumpectomy.  All the survivors I have spoken with have received lumpectomies, not full mastectomies.  I haven’t known of anyone in my age group that had to get a mastectomy. 

I am extremely depressed. 

I love my right breast.

It doesn’t help that I was in Seattle for work when I learned this...en route to San Francisco for another work meeting tomorrow.   I am heading home tomorrow.   I almost just booked a ticket straight to Chicago from the Sea-tac airport tonight.  I hate being away from home.  I knew I shouldn’t have come on this goddamn trip.  I would rather have Joe with me right now to tell me how much he loves me in person.

I have yet to schedule this MRI biopsy as they have to call me tomorrow to make an appointment…the radiologist said I might be able to go in on Thursday or Friday, but god help me if I have yet another weekend of no answers.  I just don’t think I can handle that when it comes to finding out the life of my beautiful right breast. 

Before this, I thought I was handling this cancer thing pretty well.  I can adapt to the idea of having chemo, losing my hair temporarily, and even…..even, the whole idea of this cancer potentially taking my fertility away, but when people start talking about permanently taking away this beautiful thing of mine….it’s so awful that i can’t even write about it.