Certain people just can't stand the smell, the commotion, and the potential infections floating around a hospital. I'm not in that camp. I'm in the group of people who admire hospitals for their "mini city" qualities and for the intelligence and efficiences of the staff and operations.
That said, I have seen a lot of hospitals lately...and not the good "new baby" part of my hospital, but the depressing "you have or might have cancer" area of hospital. But now I'm home and I am happy. My tumor is out of my body. I am in pain, but I am also feeling a sense of euphoria that comes with knowing that horrible feeling lump is gone. Good riddance.
Today was a day of hope. For one, my colleague Amy, who recently turned 40, delivered twins at 4:00 this morning in the same hospital in which I had my surgery. I thnk that's a good sign. New life, new hope. New future.
Unfortunately, though, I am still nervous about what the future holds for me. My surgeon Dr. Hansen, who is laid back and has a great, positive presence, indicated that of the two lymph nodes she extracted today, one of them felt more solid than they typically do. This makes me very, very worried. She said that it could be swollen just because of all of the biopsies I have had to endure up to this point. I am praying that is the case. I do not want this thing in my lymphatic system. I don't want it to have metastasized. I am scared.
In addition to that, she said that instead of my mass being around 2.5 cm, it seemed to be more like 4 cm, so that means that my cancer could have been in my body for the last four years or so (it seems like the rule of thumb is one centimeter per year). That gives it more of a chance to have spread to other parts of my body. I am scared, scared, scared.
Nothing is for certain until I meet with her for the post op debrief next Tuesday. I may get some "statistics" at that point, which is also a source of anxiety.
Friends, I am in need of some good news for once....your positive energy and words and encouragement is particularly helpful during this time.
In particular, I'd like to thank you for your words of encouragement so far...we're still in the early innings of this, but all your support is so, so, so appreciated.
Thank you to:
My family (Mom & Dad, Suzy, Bobby & Katy, and Colleen & Scott)
Joe and his family for all their encouragement for "Miss Bonnie"
Angela (you have been the best peer support buddy I could have hoped for)
Ann & Josh for every time you say you are sending me good vibes and encouragement
Amanda & Bill for sharing and understanding my sense of frustration (and for my beautiful flowers!)
Jess & Fred for all their love and support and just for being good people
Paulina & Guy for all the texts and calls (I do appreciate them -- never apologize for sending them!)
Elyse for understanding like no one else in my circle of friends can.
Christine for all her funny emails and for taking my mind off of this with online shopping
Catherine H, Fran G & family, Marian K, Lauren G, Tenaya B, Vanya K, Kris Z, Treasa M, Greg J & Patience, for the listening, references, and support
And everyone else who has helped me understand how much of a support network I have in this world.
My initial site of the cancer is gone. Let's hope I can follow Dr. Kaklamani's 15 year road map to recovery (which includes much happiness and parenthood and independence from cancer).....
Love and peace and joy and health,
Bonnie
ps -- I'm mobile but am opting not to leave the area in and around my bed for the next two days. It doesn't hurt that the weather in Chicago is around 10 degrees. I feel surprisingly good for having had three incisions within the last 24 hours (lump, lymph nodes, and extra tissue area of concern for additonal biopsy). I hope the "real pain" won't set in tomorrow. I hope I am just one of the lucky ones who heal easily. If not, I have drugs, so I may just be sleeping for the next few days -- not to mention family members who are going to come by to ensure I am tended to.
Sweet dreams!
Sweet dreams to you Bonnie! What an unbelievable day you endured today. Your strong mind will carry you through this difficult time. When you feel down and tired, lean on all of us for support. Most importantly, remember you are not alone through this.
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